HA!

you know... I think I changed or am changing.

But not in a good way.

Or maybe I need change but am fighting it in someway
that isn't necessary.

whatever happened, or is happening,
or isn't, I don't like it very much.



                                                       
I think I'm going to try to go back to the way I was.
If it's possible.


....I should find out what changed first, if anything did, other than my opinions.




      I mean, growing up is a lie. Granted, the freedom is nice.

   ....

________________________________________

 Why does it all matter?



I'm alive, so is everyone else, that's enough to be happy about. Isn't it?


 I think it is.
__________________________________

You know? Maybe you are mean.

I remember when Mariah was my best friend.

I remember when I didn't know Savanna.

I remember when I thought Micheal was 'nice'

I remember trying to work up the nerve to delete your number so I wouldn't try texting you again.

I remember how great I felt knowing that I was cool enough to be your friend.

I remember when I met Josh. I remember how silly that whole thing was.

I remember you telling me to stop acting like Haley.

I remember standing at the park after that movie waiting for the sound of his vans hitting the concrete.

I remember when I was one the of only people that knew your secrets.

I remember when those things made you sad.

I remember throwing up in front of Micah and Eric on the side of the freeway.

I remember when I was awfully awkward and wasn't allowed to fallow Courtney around.

I remember how awful I was at hugs.

I remember how you avoid hugging me. I remember how odd it was that it bothered me, I don't even like hugs.

I remember crying on the way home from co-op because I felt ugly.

I remember sitting in a dark closet because my family wouldn't let me go to the park by myself.

I remember thinking that I was pretty for the first time.

I remember when I could count the number of hugs I'd gotten from guys outside of my family on one hand.

I remember thinking that you didn't deserve all the respect I gave you.

I remember hating that I'm only comfortable in groups of 3 or less.

I remember the last time I laughed really hard.

I remember knowing that Courtney doesn't see it the way I do, and the way she sees it, I was in the wrong.
and how I felt better knowing that I could see it at that angle too.

I remember being so angry at the fact that to everyone but me the small things that made me sad weren't important.

I remember not caring and crying about it on the phone to Micah.

I remember feeling like I couldn't say anything to you.

I remember when walmart was cool.

I remember trying so hard to be great enough.

I remember finally getting there, up with everyone else.

I remember being sad, over and over again.


___________________________________________

....haha.


and what sucks is that I know I'm young. I know that I'm great and shouldn't care as much as I do.

I know I'm too emotionally involved.

I know that you're not sorry because you know you're not wrong.

I know that I hide too much.

I know that that is no way to make friends.

I know that I try too hard.

I know that no one thinks about me as much as I think they do.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!

I know. ok? And I'm sorry. But I guess being sorry is what started this whole thing.  So forget it.

It's all just silly anyway.


P.S-
I also just realized that this is a phase... a PHASE!

...no wonder no one cares, I'm being completely irrational!

...I just want some juice...


why do I even have a blog?

Sleeping At Last - Naive

Let's just have a pity party with Bon Iver.

I've always had issues with being social.

But not with everyone, I wasn't horrible at it by any means. It's just when I thought you were great or when I couldn't figure out what makes you laugh. That was when it became hard.

As much as I wanted you stay and like talking to me as much as I liked talking to you and for us to be friends for a long time, I was too worried that you would go away to say anything interesting or funny.

I was just enjoying your company too much to think.
Which normally made them leave anyway becuase it was too awkward.



This happend a lot when I was younger, and sometimes even now.



But sometimes people ignore the awkward parts of me and actually like me back and we have adventures together.

I like the people that ignore.


And other times, I just hate people but I feel like I have to be friends with them becuase I see them WAY too often and I'm tired of being the awkward one. I don't like those people very much at all.


At least I have sweaters. Sweaters always like you no matter what you do or say.

Wait, I lied. I am happy. Personally I am. It's just everything else.


I think the world might be sad.

I don't believe it when it smiles anymore.


And I can't make it feel better.







It won't take my flowers. 

I'm sad way too often,

I know better than to stay like this. Maybe I should take a walk or something.

A good man doesn't drink
And I've been drinking alone
So what does that make me?

My hands they always shake
And no one's calling my phone
So what does that make me?

And I know the kid with his guitar
So drunk and anxious
Has been done to death
But tell me what hasn't
I'll try it

Because I'm selfish enough
To wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough
Not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

'Cause I don't got room in my life
For anyone else
And I've driven away all the
People that could help
And I still don't even know what I
Need to do to fix myself

And there's a clamp around my chest
It tightens every time I lapse into
Another sorry story

About my miserable collapse
A bronze box I keep encased in glass
And dust off whenever I want your pity

'Cause lately I've had to come to grips
With scope and figure
How my problems stack up in a world
Two steps from ruin
(Or maybe it's rapture)

Well, either way, I realize that my s---'s
About as small as it could be
But that makes me feel worse for even feeling
This bad in the first place

'Cause there's a war starting soon, and all
The flags'll be waving
And Daniel's 20-year-old friend will be ready,
And willing, and waiting
He's a Marine and he told me

And that makes me sad
Really, really f---ing sad
But at least he'll act

I'll just bite my tongue and then say:
"Daniel, you wish him luck"
I pray that he comes back
For his mother's sake, and then I'll drink
Those thoughts away
I've gotten good at that

'Cause when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame
Oh oh oh

Yeah when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

Yeah when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

Ballgame - Kevin Devine.

G         Cmaj7       Dsus4         G      Cmaj7 Dsus4 G
skitter ma rinky dink, skitter rinky dooo, I loooove you.            
 G                Cmaj7       Dsus4       G
 I love you in the morning and in the afternoon
Cmaj7       Dsus4            G        Cmaj7 Dsus4     G
I love in the evening and underneath the moooooooooooon. 

Hardly makes sense.

I both never knew this boy, and knew him as I knew myself.


He is so strong. He bears more than we know. This boy. Hardly regrets, never forgets.

Understands and sees all that spins around him. Distracted by lights and things that flutter.

Wise, but not old. Young, but never naive.

So many wish to help him, to come to him when he seems hurt. But it's rarely needed.

So much like a bird.

Sewn into his spine. Bleeding into his veins. Pouring out his mouth. Seen in his finger tips.

The respect he demands! unspoken demand. Knows when to be silly, but when tensions SHIFT; becomes as serious as the rights he defends. HE would die for his beliefs! As his sweatshirt says.

 Loves the night, adores a good song, and a strong cadence.

Sad, but so easily finds happiness in the little things.

So strong, but seems so weak; was never weak.
not one for comfort, but always gives off a sense of safety to those he listens too.


I never knew this boy, but I know him.

Only lets you see what he wants you to see.

He makes mistakes. But rejoices over them as he does his accomplishments.



OH, the respect he deserves, the happiness he brings to those around him.

Hardly perfect. Rarely; completely kind.

This boy. I never knew. But I know him.

I realized today while painting that I had said no words in hours. And yet my thoughts had gone to the moon and back. I had picked an argument with the neighbor boy, remembered a dream from years ago, ranted about my educational upbringing to an imaginary being, spoke as passionately as Levi The Poet and as loud as The Chariot, I had cried,  I had laughed, I had planned, I had been angry, I had been content.

All of this, and more, swirled about my mind, and yet no words had came from my mouth.

No one knew my thoughts, no one heard my mind.





Is it better to speak with no thought than to be consumed in thought and it never be heard?


but then again,

If the tree fell and no one was there to hear it, does it bother to make a sound?

I don't want to let go, but it hurts my hands to hold the rope.

I had written a bullet chart titled "I don't want to be a student leader anymore because:" it listed legitimate reasons why I wanted to leave. I held it proudly, I thought he'd laugh about it, be lighthearted towards my unnecessary list, and I'd be out in thirty minutes or less. I had even planned out his responses.

I made it so I could say what I wanted to say without crying or getting off topic.

We sat down I tried going through it but I can't read out loud too well so I gave it to him to read.

             ____________________________________

Quiting a simple group turned into an unwanted intervention.

lots of questions.

Sunday school answers. I knew what aswers were right. It's the fact that I don't like, and am very bitter towards what's supposedly right!


I hate that my only argument against the bible included the gays. Was that really all i had? 


he knew what he was talking about, he used the I-know-you-know-the-answer-but-I'm-going-to-ask-you-the-question-anyway-to-make-a-point-tactic.


It lead to him asking me over and over again about what I was going to do, either live for myself (go to hell) or God (go to heaven.) 

He explained that there was no middle ground.


More questions.


I felt torn open, a mix of anger and sadness, and horribly uncomfortable.



  I worked a bigger hole into my jacket. I looked for a tissue but there wasn't one.

I stared at the floor and my hands.



what sucked was that I knew that i just was one of the thousand other silly teens "running away from god" what I think is SO normal for my age. That's what upset me the most. That this and what I say was expected, heard before, and cliche.

a testimony in the making...



I wanted to run away and hide when i saw it like that, like I always do, but i couldn't.

why do I always hide anyway?


I had already asked myself all these questions. Hearing them again in a I'm-making-a-point tone just frustighted me. I have answers, but there's too many to all say at once without crying and choking on my words.
 
I was allowed to be rude. He said it was OK to be angry at him. But i wasn't, i just wanted to leave and cry without him staring at me while explaining the way i think and the solution that involveded me "getting on your face and praying"



I KNOW WHAT GOD WOULD TO "SAY" TO ME!
I know what my friends are going to say to me. I know what I'm going to say to me.



So i don't ask. I just live. What's wrong with that?


Last question.

"what are you thinking about all this?"


                                                     

                                                                                           "....I don't know... and I want to go home."

the ______ it is. the _____ you are.  the ____ you do.

confessions:

1:  I never really liked Tegan and Sara...at all. But that's just me, they're probably really nice people.


2: Everytime I go the park or school by my house I expect someone to be there waiting for me. there never is. But someday, there might be.


3: I'll probably never be able to remove the ":D" from your name in my phone.


4: I miss when we used to go through the woods and not care if we got lost.


5: I'm sad, and have been for weeks.


6: I'm angry, and have been for months.


7: I'm happy, and have been for years.


8: I actually don't mind dubstep. And I think people who hate on it are jerks.  


9: I want to punch the jerk who kicked Sarah Quinn in the knee at church camp.
(she is a very nice lady and you're a bully. I hope you step on every lego ever made)


10: I wasn't laughing at you because I thought your question was stupid, I just thought it was cute that you were concerned.
No, black is not see through when it's wet.


11: I almost always think you're lying to me when you say you're happy.


12: I'm jealous of their scars.


13: I think I'm adorable. And smart.

14:


15: