I don't like it when I'm just one of the many.


I don't like hurting my pride.


But I'm glad you have so many there for you, that's something I never had. or atleast I didn't feel like I had.


 I'm fine on my own, as much as people don't think so.




I like pho, and pancakes.

I sang a song about pancakes on Sunday.

and asked you if you wanted to get pho that night too.

I get it though, it's whatever.




I don't need you to pity me or talk to me about it.
I have chalk, a dog that smells bad, jerk cat,

and my pig socks.
 even if they have a hole in them now.

Pig socks: day 2

mom blew up in the car. we were sent away because the principle man forgot to scribble his name on our papers, someone needed to watch the baby, Courtney went to Micah's for pancakes,  Kaitlyn had a dentist appointment, I was upset that I was even home-schooled in the first place and was telling her about the mistake she made.


"it's not the education we have a problem with, it's bad stuff that goes with it"
we were talking about co-op and how i hated that the people there seemed scared of the world. they clung to ignorance believing that it'd benefit their kids some how.


" 'here mom I'll help you' that's all i want to hear, but noooo! 'I need to go eat pancakes at Micah's' "
what was the point of that? To make her feel awful, to get her to admit she was wrong?

sometimes I forget that my mom is a deer and that she means the best. She tried, I should have acknowledged that.


"GO EAT YOUR STUPID PANCAKES!" 

my bear of a dad isn't here to be involved but he's the one that calls the shots. This was his doing, he just has mom be the go-for and take the crap and frustration for him. it's all him.


"all I get when he comes home is CRAP!"

I told her that she was going for a bigger reason than pancakes and that Courtney was probably just being a good friend. Like I like to be sometimes.



"We're not mad at you, mom"

"OH COME ON!"

I felt sad for her, I cried with her, but not very much.

"I know I made a mistake keeping your guys home, i'm not afraid to admit that, I just spiritually thought that I was making the right choice..."

i'm wearing my pig socks today.

...I'm not much for words, as much as I like them.



I try my best to maintain honesty and a steady voice.


 obvious! you saw it coming. saying anything about it makes it worse. asking for a response doesn't help, waiting for one is stupid. What is there even to wait for? damn it! what was wrong with what you had before?! I really liked what we had AND STILL HAVE. (hopefully.) You ungrateful bastard! this didn't need to happen you JaCKASs! FRiCKING A!

...BALLS!

tits.

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#($#75394732405!@#!!


.....

ugh. damn it all. I'm going outside.
Hopefully I'll get a sunburn.

I'm done.        

                                With a lot of things.

            I want it to be cold again.

                                                                   

                                                                       I like the Head And The Heart.



                                                                                                    Maybe, someone at college will too.



         I am the way I am around my other friends around you.



I just
            laugh and move less.                                
                                sing and think more.


                                                                       
                                haha
          



I just want to ruffle your hair.

                                         just that.  nothing else.

A word from Em.

 so yeah, I asked. My timing was awful... you were already upset, I didn't need to add more on. 

But I exploded and my 15 year old voice came out.  

I've wanted to say those sentences since last summer. But everything in my head told me that I wasn't worth an explanation, that it was stupid of me to even consider,  

that i'm still not,  and that it still is. 

It is.

   

 I'm not trying to put myself down, i know that i'm kind of great, I even have friends to prove it.

...

 I'm smarter than I come across.

I get it, all of it. And i'm sorry, for my timing mostly, and for other things too.

Disregard.

 reaction. stagnant. upright. brutal. lost. found. something. question.
dance. sky. flown. happened. downfall. chord. under. replicate. younger.


complicate. forever.

wreck. somebody. further.