9/25/13


           It is an odd sensation to be caught in between the feelings of self adoration and self loath. I have fallen head-over-heels for my character but I cringe at the thought of being seen naked. I am painfully aware of my stretch marks, scars, and loose fitting skin around my lower half. However, I am as boisterous and loud as about my talents and thoughts as a child with the newest toy; flaunting it proudly with a beaming face. I strut down imaginary isles when I am alone; wearing the clothes I am not allowed to leave the house in. I say to the mirage of people surrounding me "Am I not captivating?!" I walk and I keep my chin at an upward angle and act as if I'm going to be seen; I beg to be seen. I smile more then ever at moments like these. Wonder stuck by my own thoughts and feelings of empowerment. I have fooled myself: I am captivating! I am everything that I've ever wanted to be! I am finally holding all of the cards that were taken from me! I am flawless in the sense that I know that I am flawed, I am beautiful because I am so deeply unhappy with how I look. I am wonderful because I believe that I will never be worth your time. Even if it is only for a moment, I am captivating, and I am alone.

Secrets: part one

I spend an hour pacing around my kitchen almost every night before going to sleep.
I've done that for about 3 years.

I wrote 27+ letters to Micah over the course of half a year but only 6 to savanna who wrote me 13 times.

I get tired of being sweet.

People bother me, they've been bothering me more and more as time goes on.

I want to shove everyone I love into a box and hide away with them.

His brothers and their comments about everything are starting to get to me.
I get so tired of ignorance and explaining why I get upset when they're "only joking."

Calling someone a slut is not funny.
Calling someone a faggot is not funny.
Trying to make a joke about what I do with my time is not funny.
Insulting the music I listen to is not funny.
Calling something retarded is not funny.
Calling something gay and meaning it as an insult is not funny.


But it's not like I can say that to them.
They make me feel tired and gross and fighting with them will just make it worse.


I just want to hide away with my friends and not come out until I feel happy again.

I Sent an Email About it.

Now that I've read it, I realize that I made a few mistakes in choices of wording.


I sound a little arrogant.



 ____________________


Hey Nikki, I'm not sure if you're the one I need to talk to for this kind of thing but I thought I would run the thought's that I have by you:


         When I was more involved with Wired and youth camps the memories of the songs and musical experiences from the worship sessions still resonate the feelings of love, safety, and comfort to this day. Because of that, I have a very strong desire to recreate those feeling in the hearts of the students and leaders that are attending Two Nine now by playing songs that better reflect the generation.


         Although the songs that we do are lovely, they do not always possess the ability to connect to or inspire the students. I believe that if we chose songs with powerful lyrics and musical emphasis while also including modern style, the students and leaders would take so much more from the worship sessions. I understand the band that we have are just volunteers, and including new songs may create a problem due to its consumption of time. However, I believe that the amount of talent that the band (not necessarily including myself) has, will allow them to easily learn these songs in a short amount of time.



        I realize that I sound like I'm suggesting that we pick songs from Hillsong's latest album, but that's not necessarily what I mean. My main desire is to bring back or emphasize the songs that are should-be-anthems of the Christian youth.

Beautiful Things by Gungor,
Oceans by Hillsong Death in his Grave by John Mark McMillan
Lay it Down by the Wired Band
It's You also By The Wired Band


are just a few examples of the songs that I would like the Two Nine to seriously consider including into the song list.
(I have other suggestions, and I'm sure other people do too.)


            I know that I don't have much ground to suggest things like this due to fact that I am still a student. Which is why I haven't spoken up about what I believe needed to be helped. I'm very sorry if my suggestions upset you in anyway. I believe that Kenny, Chelsea, you, and every band member have done great things for the Sound Life youth ministry and I am proud to say that they have allowed me to play with them. These suggestions aren't an attack at what has been going on, I simply want to connect the students to the songs that we play.


Thank you for listening,
Emily Garinger.


 P.S

(just to put it out there) Although I am not as experienced with the electric guitar as I am the keys, I do have one and I how to play it. With practice I'm sure that I could use it for Two Nine if need be. (However, I don't have any fancy pedals or elaborate sound effects. I do have a violin bow though! Which sounds cool when played correctly on an electric guitar.) So yeah, If need be I can try and help out with that.



Thanks again.



 ______________________

Maybe it'll never go away.

I think that I will always be jealous,

and a little sad about it all. 

neighbor

He was the empty space between 9 and 14.
Matching houses around corners, and 20 feet in between was our world.
matching cuts, scrapes, and light up swords.
As we explored the surrounding. Trees.We were
Never close but never far apart.  

Never knew; no one did!
Besides one, or two.

I had to press my ear to the walls to hear his stories 
And oh! He's seen it all! oh! he's lived it all,
Or at least that's what the walls said.

He had every fool fooled,
or so it seemed. 

He was the once empty space,
filled with every I could pour, in.
He had seen so much, lived so much,
but had been shot so many times he buried it all.

once great friend became mine, shared,
but began seemed to slowly fray at one end.

Maybe, I was the one that made it fall apart
but I never thought that I had as much power as to
alter a mind. 

Maybe I was wrong, but maybe I was never really right.
He was the empty space, filled with anything he'd let us pour in.
Maybe we're all just empty space filled with anything able to poured.

I'll never know this neighbor.
I'll never see.

So there's this band,

a worship band that I play in pretty regularly.
I've been meaning to quit playing for them. Due to the fact that I'm not really a christian anymore, or a good role motel because:

I curse a lot

I'm completely fine with homosexuality and will defend it until the person attacking it is down.
(Or until I start crying to the point where I can't speak.)

I also do not think that sex is as bad as the church thinks it is, or as good as the world makes it sound.

Women are equal to men. Men are equal to women.

I don't scold kids who smoke; I don't scold kids who drink.
(I will only stop them if they are hurting themselves or others.)

For anything really, I will only stop someone from doing what they want if it hurts themselves or other people.

I want tattoos, big gauges, and more piercings.

I also text in church, walk out randomly, and at times blatantly make a raucous in the balcony.

I also disagree with a lot of what Derek and Amber believe.

The Bible is not my truth.

I only play for that band because it makes me feel like I'm doing something good for the people that go to that youth group. I create music with this band because it brings those people who are listening closer to a sense of comfort and love, just like it did for me three years ago. I play for those people, and that sense alone.

______

On an almost completely different note, in this band there are these two guys that I've come to know.


One plays the bass and calls me Guppy. (ha)
He looks about 25-ish and he's married to a lady who wears flowy skirts and has really long and pretty black hair. He was in a few secular(?) bands when he was younger, but I don't know what genre they were or the name of them. He seems like an interesting person.

The other  plays the drums and calls me Emily.
He's 26, I believe. He has gauges about the size of a quarter (if not bigger), piercings,
and a few tattoos. One of which is fairly new and is on his neck, and it says "Jesus my judicious king." (I looked up judicious and it means: Having, showing, or done with good judgment or sense. Another word for it would be wise or sensible.) He went to the youth group we play for when he was in high school and kind of knew my sister. He's pretty great, and he listens to good music.

Anyway, I talked to both of them the other day together and they were sitting in the couch that normally engulfs me. I don't know why but the fact that they could actually sit like a normal person in that huge couch threw me into this very humbling state of thought where I realized that I was still rather young and the people I spent most of my time with were young.

I dwelled on it for the next hour or so and the whole thing lead to:

The realization that  I was basically walking around Jurassic Park in a Reptar costume when it came to social interaction with the mature and experienced.