9/25/13


           It is an odd sensation to be caught in between the feelings of self adoration and self loath. I have fallen head-over-heels for my character but I cringe at the thought of being seen naked. I am painfully aware of my stretch marks, scars, and loose fitting skin around my lower half. However, I am as boisterous and loud as about my talents and thoughts as a child with the newest toy; flaunting it proudly with a beaming face. I strut down imaginary isles when I am alone; wearing the clothes I am not allowed to leave the house in. I say to the mirage of people surrounding me "Am I not captivating?!" I walk and I keep my chin at an upward angle and act as if I'm going to be seen; I beg to be seen. I smile more then ever at moments like these. Wonder stuck by my own thoughts and feelings of empowerment. I have fooled myself: I am captivating! I am everything that I've ever wanted to be! I am finally holding all of the cards that were taken from me! I am flawless in the sense that I know that I am flawed, I am beautiful because I am so deeply unhappy with how I look. I am wonderful because I believe that I will never be worth your time. Even if it is only for a moment, I am captivating, and I am alone.

Secrets: part one

I spend an hour pacing around my kitchen almost every night before going to sleep.
I've done that for about 3 years.

I wrote 27+ letters to Micah over the course of half a year but only 6 to savanna who wrote me 13 times.