but just listen!.?

there's moments where i want to say that i love you.
but they go away.

i know that i'm bossy and generic.
but i know my flaws better then you know though so be careful when you point them out.

i know i'm self centered. i have a blog so people can read all about me.
but i don't care.

man and woah-man.

i hate it when people blame arupt emotion on p.m.s.

even though it's true sometimes that we get alittle moody when blood is draining from our
.......
forget it.

But! that doesn't give you any right to laugh at or dismiss what we're saying.

reason number two why i would slap you:
tell your friends or blame what i'm saying to you on p.m.s or bring up that fact that i do something because i'm female.

i hate the word woman. i hate being called a girlfriend. i hate that ethan has called me both in front of your friends and me. like i was nothing.

"strong words for being with a woman."

your brother's an arrogant douche.

he's the type of person that can actually get an voilent reaction out of me.

I phisically want to fight this kid. but he's a fat lard so i'd probably lose.

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i'm disgusted by that fact that i actually made you a sandwich without thinking about out.

A SANDWICH!?!?!?!

WTF!!!
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Nothing at all.

It’s all dirty!!! Dirty, filthy, unclean, and unkept!!!! Perverted and disgusting!!! Twisted and sadistic!! Blinded by rage and fueled by approval!! Inadequate! Filthy and unclean!! Resulted in ignorance!! The pain is rejected!!! I wish someone would show you!! Demonstrate the result of your actions plainly so even you could understand!

You. Are. NOTHING!

Oh, my god! you might as well be dead.

I know I'm in the wrong, I mean when am i not?

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry i blamed it on ADD, i just thought it'd be funny.

I'm sorry i didn't realize how much you liked having me around.

I'm sorry that you actually missed me.

I'm sorry that i assumed you'd be fine without me.

I'm sorry that i make it seem like i never liked being your friend.

I bragged about you! to my other friends, to my mom, to Micah, i told Micah all about my best friend and how you were SO cool. I ditched my other friends for months on end to hang out with you and your brother.

I thought the world of you two!!

Don't think i didn't and don't know what i have.

I'm sorry that my actions failed you and that my words didn't help.

I'm sorry you feel like you're nothing when you truly are something.

I'm sorry i didn't finish your letter yet.

I'm sorry that i didn't do anything for you in return.

I'm sorry that i failed you.

I'm sorry i over-looked you.

I'm sorry i forgot you had feelings and that your chill "I'm cool with anything" demeanor is sometimes a lie.

I'm sorry I made you feel this way and that i helping in making you cry.

____________

just tell me what you want me to do to make it better.

oh and I'm really excited to see that movie with you,
and have been ever sense you told me that they were making the movie.

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People.

The world is sad but I'm glad you're happy. I'm glad you found her. i hope she's everything you want and need, you should be happy, you've been sad for long enough. i really hope it works this time.

I don't like you, i don't like how you show up with different guy every week like you have some kind of point to prove.

I want my friends to think you're cool so they'll stop giving me weird looks.

I wish I looked at you, like every piece of my being wants to look like you. I like your hair the most, I wish my hair looked like yours.

I don't mind that you're gay, you're still super cool, I like your pants and I like how people feel weird around you. and that you have legit reasons to be sad but you're not. Thank you for waving at me.

You're just a jerk. But I like to talk to you and watch your life play out, you seem like a nice kid. I hope you have a good life.

I love you. you do everything i say and you helped me catch a mouse and you lay on my lap when I'm sad, you'll always be my friend you stupid little dog.

you were a nice guy, i don't like your wife that much though, she's too pretty, too predicable, too transparent.

listen "little" douche. All I want is to pin you down and scream in your face about how crappy of a person you are and how much you suck. but won't ever try.

you make feel like I'm nothing when I'm around you. I have never felt more insecure then when I'm with you. never more transparent.

I'm just like Summer. And you're just like Tom. we should watch that movie sometime so you know what i mean.

you're a jerk, and she's stupid. her smile is just cut into her face by a god she loves so dearly.

I'm sorry that you thought i was great. I'm sorry you fell for my lie.

i wish i didn't care about me anymore. it's not all about me. it should be about everyone else. i don't like how I ignore the need to change.

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I make people sad sometimes.

and all i can say is that i'm sorry.

But that's not what they always need to hear.

what right do i have to point out wrong in those around me.
what right do they have to take it sitting down.

maybe i need someone to do the same to me. To refill my humility.

i've become ablivous to those who didn't hold my attention.

....that's not fare.

HA!

The movie began with a blow job.

in the front seat of a car the man was wide eyed and the girl was smiling while she removed a piece of hair from her mouth and planted a kiss on his lips.

he left her car fixing his belt, halfheartedly flicking his hand in goodbye to the leaving girl.
he joined his friend who sat on the porch with a beer in hand.

as if that happened every night.

__________________________________________

his father walked in on them humping the 3d image of Jason from Friday the 13th

they went to a stripper bar and he had a casual conversation with the girl dancing in his lap.

she whipped off her top. her bare chest took up the screen.

He didn't even blink.
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NO ONE DID!

A simple Scoff broke from the 17 year-old's mouth and the rest were silent.

SILENT!

I couldn't sit there, the screen was to big and my eye burned.

they were seeing something that look the same on every girl,
they might as well have seen mine or your friends little sister's.

I found my shoes and left the house,

my breath shook as i walked to the park, I waited hear your vans hit the pavement as you ran to catch up with me.

But you never came, did you?

I got your apology as i swung on my favorite swing, my hands were frozen but i still waited for you to come.

So you "looked above the screen" when her top came off.
ha, well thank you for your noble attempt to sugar coat this.

I could imagine you on that night silently checking your phone, typing that apology as the movie played on and you continued blending in.

You probably didn't bother to tell your friends who you were texting or what you were saying.
I mean, what good would that do?

whatever it takes to keep YOUR head held high, you know!?

months later you explained that you didn't want to be laughed at for walking out.

OH AND I DID?!

You would've recovered a hell of a lot faster then i ever would have!
at least they knew you!
at least they respected you in the first place!

as PATHETIC as this all seems it still hurt like hell.

if everything you say is true about how you hate when I'm in pain...
if you would've gone to the park with me,
and saw the way i looked when i had to explain to my mom what i had seen.

...and the way i cried when she was no longer looking.

I covered my mouth so the screamed cuss words wouldn't be heard
I paced my dark basement alone and my eyes streamed endlessly as i screamed to my friends who chose to understand.

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I guess this is old pain. and i should learn to let it go. i know you're sorry. and I'm sorry too.


I'll be OK. And so will you.
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